We Vishnu a Merry Christmas

The Hindus celebrate a festival called “Shivatri.” Shivatri is a festival the celebrates the day Lord Shiva danced the “tandava” or the cosmic dance. In recognition of this event, the Hindu’s consume “Bahng Lassis” (which are basically hashish yogurt-like drinks) and join the gods in the spirit world to celebrate the celestial event with fasting and Temple processions.

That celebration comes about in March….I started early…..real early. Well come Christmas eve, I was on my 5th or 6th day of not eating and the fever had not broken. I was feeling the temporary relief I afforded myself with some Valium, re-hydration salts and a bit of the key “Bahng” ingredient (Hint: not the yogurt). For justification purposes, the Valium was for the searing pain that accompanies every movement, the re-hydration salts were for just that and the hash was for the nausea….seriously (and it was totally a prescription…..from the guy who works the internet/call center down the way) and for some comic relief to a miserable situation.
I was on my 4th or 5th HBO flick (which here means all the best B-rated movies with D-List celebrities that Hollywood has to offer) when Aaron returned from doing some work (he can take antibiotics and so he had a small bout of Delhi-Belly that lasted about 36 hours…jerk) and asked if I wanted to try eating. Feeling brave (or high) I decided to try some plain rice, which was the most non-threatening item I could think of.

I took all of three bites of my Christmas feast before pushing it away in disgust and it took all of three commercial breaks from watching Billy Baldwin’s jowls quiver through his lines in whatever self-produced, half-cocked action flick that was on before I was puking it up all over. Its funny how three bites of rice can expand into enough “fodder” to keep one “up and at em” all night in the bathroom.

Thus began my temple procession where I prayed to the porcelain goddess in an undignified and wretched manner that, I am sure, was audible to the entire floor since the window-sized vent in the bathroom also opens up right to the hall. Well, embarrassment aside, no one could say I wasn’t devoted.

I took leave from my devotionals only long enough to stumble through well-wishings that were exchanged with my family as they told me about al the wonderful Christmas meals they were preparing to eat…as much as I missed them and wished we were together, my stomach roiled at each mention of food, drink, snow, the pets, presents….actually, my stomach roiled at pretty much everything.

Merry Christmas.